I awoke with Heeby-Jeebies, and went for a gym-and-a-swim session to work it off. It is strange seeing the mark on my tummy indicating the site of my stoma to be. I got on the exercise bike and peddled fast.
Then I sat in the steam room and tried to use my head.
I have a comforting image that the Hypnotherapist has activated in my mind. I am a child, and it is early morning; about 5.30 am or something. It is a summer morning but the air is cold and stings my nose. I am with my Dad, and we are going to milk the cows. I am sitting on the mudguard of the tractor (never be allowed now) and we are chugging through the fields. The grass is fresh and green and Mary, a sleek black Labrador, runs along side the tractor. A pigeon flies over head and Dad makes his fingers into a pistol and pretends to be a cowboy shooting it out of the sky.
The image changes and he is standing next to me, he's wearing the green coat that I now have. He is my guide and will keep me safe in the dark. He tells me why it will be better after the operation:
"Well, at least you won't be goose-stepping to the loo every couple of hours, and you'll never get the big C up your B; you'll be able to eat any damned thing you want, and best of all you'll never have to have a camera up your backside again. So hold my hand - I'll come with you."
I hold his leathered and weathered hand which is rough with wear.
And it helps the Heeby-Jeebies subside.
It's funny how the going milking with dad in the morning is such a strong memory - funny when you said you were on the mudguard but we were never allowed as you said. For once he has let you. Once he let me sit on his knee on the way home because my hands were freezing and I didn't like it when the milk churns pinched my wrists when they rocked around - plus it was agony holding on to the cold metal of the (what was it called?) Box? and I blubbed at him.
ReplyDeleteOh I am wrong he did let you sit on the mudguard. I thought He didn't like it because we might fall under the wheels. Think he might have let us on very few occaisions.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I used t sit on the mudguard sometimes. Anyway it is now the memory that counts.
ReplyDeleteA very strong memory.
YODB
Roger
I think it might have been sometimes or some fear he suddenly got and decided to stop us as I am sure I sat on the mudguard sometimes too.
ReplyDeleteThe memory for me is so strong it hurts. I cried thinking about it. Or was it that he was with you that made me cry - I don't know - it is amazing how much significance he has - I always miss him when I am upset or scared - I use his thoughts then. I feel his logic and steadyness but I can't tell if it's him or something he taught me - either way it doesn't matter it is him whatever.
Anyway where did he get it from? He must have inherited it or learnt it. It is part of us either way.
love
yodsxxxxx
It is us and it is him at the same time.
ReplyDelete