"Hello . . this is Mr Fitch's Secretary speaking . . ."

As I lay in bed, in the secure and safe surroundings of my own house, all wrapped up in my own little life. The phone cut through the morning quiet, and it was the surgeons secretary.

My heart rate changed, although I had had a message from her on my phone the day before.

She wondered if I wanted the operation before Christmas?

I was just umming and gaping like a fish that had just landed on the deck of a boat.

"How about the 22nd of December?" I gasped a little more and tried to say something sensible

"It wont be Mr. Fitch, it will be Mr. Shanks . . . is that alright?" How would I know? I don't know anything?

"would you like to think about it for a bit?"

You bet I would. I would like to think about it for the rest of my life.

"Yep . . . that would be great . . . I'll have a think about it . . ."

"Will you be getting back to me today? It's just that I would like to sort out all the lists today. I go at 4 today by the way"

"Ok I'll ring you later"

Oh shit.

The day continued - I went shopping, I went swimming. Constantly calculating and recalculating the days, and trying to estimate the earliest I could get out of there by. Clare rang lots of people up who knew people who worked as nurses etc. She ascertained that the care would be as good at Christmas as any other time. She started to make jokes about the surgeon being dressed as santa and all his nurses etc dressed as elves. Very funny.

Later I rang the secretary back and I committed myself to 22nd December 2009. Shit! Shit! Shit! I feel as if I am suddenly very high up in a plane and very soon they are going to open the doors and throw me out.

It's going to be an interesting Christmas.

Luckily I bought myself o hat on E-Bay, and it arrived yesterday. I have found that wearing it makes me smile a bit, and that in turn pushes away the heeby-jeebies.

Yikes! The hospital just rang me again. They are on my case already. I have to go for an assessment to make sure I am fit to undergo surgery. Next Tuesday! Yikes and double Yikes!