Commander Brian Box.
1997:
Petty Officer R Sole:
Red alert! Red Alert! Emergency waste evac in 40. . . 39 . . . 38 . . .
Commander Brian Box:
Override that Petty Officer Sole! Now! We are working! This is no time for emergency evac. Override! I say again Override!
Petty Officer R Sole:
Sorry sir! I tried that Sir! Override has malfunctioned , evac in 32 . . . 31 . . .30. . .
Commander Brian Box:
Code Red. This is not a drill. Sound the Klaxon! All systems – Code red. GPS plot a course to the nearest loo.
GPS:
Nearest loo in 1 minute 14 seconds sir.
Petty Officer R Sole:
28 . . . 27 . . . 26 . . .
Commander Brian Box:
Legs? Status?
Legs:
Sorry sir, we are at full tilt now Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
All Systems! Heads up! We need alternatives – NOW!
Obs:
Building skip ahead Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Legs!
Legs:
On it Sir!
Petty Officer R Sole:
14 . . . 13. . .
Commander Brian Box:
Hans! Get ready with the belt!
Legs:
In the skip Sir!
Commander Brian Box:
Hans! Belt!
Hans:
Oh God! Oh God!
Petty Officer R Sole:
8 . . . 7 . . .
Commander Brian Box:
Hans! What are you playing at? Belt! We’re going down for Christ’s Sake!
Hans:
Sorry Sir! Can’t . . .
Commander Brian Box:
Forget it! Trousers! Hans! Trousers!
Petty Officer R Sole:
3 . . . 2. . .
Commander Brian Box:
HANS!
Petty Officer R Sole:
1. . Evac commencing. . . .
Legs:
Oh my God!
Commander Brian Box:
Jesus! Turn off that Klaxon. What the hell was that! Security! Arrest - Petty Officer R Sole and Warrant Officer Hans and bring them to my office – NOW! . . Well done legs. . .
Legs:
Thank you Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Get us out of here will you.
Legs:
Sir.
5 Years Later:
Commander Brian Box:
OK so lets review the plan: Objective – shopping here, here and . . . here. Obs; What’s the situation out there?
Obs:
Three Loos en route to shopping centre Sir: Nags Head, The Elbow Café, then a bit of a gap until we get to The Yorker Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Legs, what’s the time frame in the gap?
Legs:
2 Minutes 13 Seconds Sir, 1 Minute 58 tops. . .
Commander Brian Box:
Hans?
Hans:
Shit Kit stowed, spare clothing stowed, Buckle on hole 3, last emergency deployment was 7 seconds Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
OK, Sargent R Sole, slightest hint of trouble sound the klaxon, Legs immediate diversion, GPS I want constant position info on my screen at all times. In the event of emergency in the shopping centre we’ll divert to the House of Fraser, floor 1, OK lets do this!
2 Years Later:
Security:
Can I have a word Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Of course, close the door, take a seat. Now what can I do for you?
Security:
Sir, I think we have a traitor Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
What!?
Security:
It’s Legs Sir, I think he’s been tampering with the evac system Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Legs? Not Legs! He’s been the best bloody transport officer I could wish for. Not Legs.
Security:
I got a report from our boys in white Sir, they’ve been watching him for some time. He shows up on their screen as . . . an alien Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Security:
I got a report from our boys in white Sir, they’ve been watching him for some time. He shows up on their screen as . . . an alien Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Alien?
Security:
Look at this print out Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
I can’t believe this. What do you recommend?
Security:
We are going to have to reject him Sir. Nothing short of that. Sorry Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
This is madness. How . . . how will you do it?
Security:
Our boys in white will have him sir, they’ll attack immediately. There will be swelling I’m afraid Sir, he won’t be able to run anymore, nowhere for him to hide Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
Shit!
Security:
Yes Sir, Sorry Sir
Commander Brian Box:
Very well. Carry on. Oh and could you tell comms to disconnect him from me please. I don’t want to hear . . .
Security:
Sir.
3 Years Later:
Commander Brian Box:
I’ve got some bad news for all of you I’m afraid, so brace yourselves, Particularly you Lieutenant R. Sole. We are going to be on TV. . . Well specifically you Lieutenant.
Lieutenant R. Sole
Sir?
Commander Brian Box:
Your going to have to . . . let them – A team of UN inspectors - see the evac System.
Lieutenant R. Sole
But that’s Classified, Sir. They can’t . . .
Commander Brian Box:
I’m afraid we have no choice
Lieutenant R. Sole
I won’t Sir! I’ll not let them pass. It’s against my Religion Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
I’m in charge round here Lieutenant! Do you hear me! I won’t have insubordination from the likes of you! Don’t you get it! This ship is dieing! We thought it was Legs, but it wasn’t. We’ve tried everything! Nothing works! There are weapons of mass destruction somewhere in the system. Seems the most likely hiding place is in the evac. You are going to let the UN patrol in. Do you hear me R. Sole? That's an Order!
Lieutenant R. Sole
I’m Sorry Sir, I’m afraid that’s a negative Sir, that’s an order I can’t obey. I conscientiously Object Sir! You Can’t make me!
Commander Brian Box:
Security! Place Lieutenant R. Sole under arrest. He’s suspended from duty!
3 Years later:
Lieutenant R. Sole:
You sent for me Sir?
Commander Brian Box:
Yes. Come in. Close the door. Sit down.
Lieutenant R. Sole:
I’d rather stand Sir.
Commander Brian Box:
As you wish. As you wish. What do you understand by the term “duty” Lieutenant?
Lieutenant R. Sole:
Unconditional charge of care to the ship and it’s crew Sir.
Commander Brian Box
Well put, Lieutenant. And sacrifice? How do you feel about that Lieutenant?
Lieutenant R. Sole:
Sacrifice Sir. . . Well it comes with the job Sir.
Commander Brian Box
Uncannily well put, Lieutenant. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to make a very big sacrifice. It won’t be easy, but the ship, the crew, all of us are going to have to rely on you. We've had our differences sometimes in the past I know. . .
Lieutenant R. Sole:
Yes Sir, I’m sorry Sir. . .
Commander Brian Box
Think nothing of it. I respect your integrity, and that’s all behind us now. I’m Sorry Lieutenant but I’m going to have to ask you - with regret- to make what may be the ultimate Sacrifice. Do sit down please. . . I have to tell you something – man to man. They are. . . they are going to take out the evac system. (Silence)
Lieutenant R. Sole:
But Sir. . . how will . . . I mean . . . I don’t know what to say Sir.
Commander Brian Box
They are going to take it out, and they are going to divert everything out of the Isle of Stoma.
Lieutenant R. Sole:
Isle Of Stoma Sir? Never heard of it . . . You cant just . . .
Commander Brian Box
It’s a new docking terminal they are gong to build. Listen. . . the evac is shot, kaput, broken. We are all going to die if we keep the evac. We have no choice Lieutenant. And I’m afraid that means that you will be – disconnected.
Lieutenant R. Sole
After all I’ve done! I don’t believe this is happening to me. I’ll be . . . I’ll be down there in an empty bilge all by myself.
Commander Brian Box
I’m sorry Lieutenant, we have no choice. . . I’m really very sorry. But listen Lieutenant, you will still be there, holding the fort so to speak. There is a chance, a slim chance, that you might be reconnected. In a year or so . . . In the meantime. . . I’m afraid it’s goodbye Lieutenant.
To be continued . . .
