Picture this

Previously on "The Knife You See":

As a result of having Ulcerative Colitis for 13 years, and despite medications a plenty, I faced the prospect of surgery almost exactly a year ago. In order to deal with this psychologically and to get some sense of control and calm I went to see a Hypnotherapist.

I found it so useful, that I decided to pass it on by learning to be a hypnotherapist myself. . .

I wonder if you can imagine the scenario, we are in one of those rather corporate rooms in the depths of a hotel. (Should that be an hotel?). The yellow-brown carpet with little crawly patterns made of small crosses in black stretch across the floor, the wood and chrome armed chairs with a purple seat and back, the whiteboard, the arc of chairs.

Perhaps, you can you see it?

Can you hear the air conditioning? The distant but constant traffic?  The clink of iced water in the glasses? The soft scribbling noise of biro on pad? Can you hear all that?

On the whiteboard the letters “IBS” are scrawled in black sitting like the dead body of a spider in the middle of a mind map.

We’ve been talking shit for a while now, running through the symptoms, the possible causes, diet, exercise, self esteem, confidence . .

. . .     U.C. is NOT IBS

I have subdued the impulse to spill my guts. Mention has not been made of Ulcerative Colitis but there’s been one mention of it’s evil twin Crohn’s disease. I have resisted the impulse to yak on about the difference between IBS (Syndrome) and IBD (Disease). Now we have been put into small groups to practice a new script.

This one is what’s called a guided imagery script. The Hypnotherapist takes you on an imaginary journey, and the things within that journey are actually encoded ideas that will influence the unconscious mind.  And that in turn can influence the conscious mind and the body.

Oh! I have just noticed that UnConscious mind and UC might have something in common. . . . I have thought for a long time that the gut might be the seat of a primal and brooding intelligence.

Anyway,  the script is good, I’m enjoying it and I’m getting waves of comfort and familiarity . . . . Yes familiarity is the word, the metaphor of a river, the idea of a steady constant balanced flow. That's the embedded idea.

Imagine the scene: Beautiful trees, a stream going through some woods, the stream clear and clean and sparkling. You and nature are in harmony. You take on the qualities of the stream. It’s good and it calms you down.

I’ve heard something similar before. A year ago. Hearing echoes of an old song reiterated in a new song. I like it. It comforts me.

But there's a beef for me. The thing is,  with U.C. it is really good to be calm and all that, but I'm not sure that it's going to sort out your "flow".

It'll help your head, but I think your gut will still have it's own particular problem. That's why it's an IBD not an IBS.

Curious to experience a thing from the other side. In my training so far I have had quite a few instances where I remember the conversations or hypnotic techniques of my Hypnotherapist.

Personally, I found this type of metaphor very useful. Even if it did not have the exact outcome I desired (like curing my guttering entrails) I would leave the hypnotherapy feeling much calmer and more in control. That in itself was worth a lot.

So there's a lot of questions and possibilities there.

The spectre of the psychosomatic view of U.C., the difference between IBS and IBD, the idea that whether U.C. is psychosomatic or not there is still value and comfort in having a calm mind. On balance I think hypnotherapy is a great tool (both from my experience and current training), and possibly you could you could achieve similar levels of calm through other activities. Meditation, playing a musical instrument, going walking, dancing . . . etc

Just a small point though, if you do use hypnotherapy make sure your hypnotherapist chooses their metaphors carefully; my first encounter with this analogy was a bit disastrous; the last thing I wanted was flow!

I wanted a dam.

Things are progressing well, by the way, I have hypnotised quite a few different people now, using a number of different "inductions". We've even covered hand levitation. Looking forward to full body levitation shortly :)

Plumbing for beginners.

They’ve made a real effort in here, none of those late 50’s early 60’s institutional colours, plastic seats, and the feeling of being a bad boy at school waiting for the cane.

Instead the ceiling arcs gracefully across a space that could be an airport or a university or a huge restaurant. There are TV’s displaying hospital information and BBC news, tropical trees in large pots, brushed steel handrails that I think have been nicked from Waterstone’s and Scandinavian style wooden floors. There’s even a string quartet playing live.

It’s a really good effort to make you feel less under threat. The receptionist was a bit of a Snow Queen; but to be fair she was efficient and she was doing her job. You can’t have everything can you.

I’m called through into a consulting room by the Stoma specialist – last seen when I had the operation to disembowel me.

But today I feel no fear, and I do not fear the future. I have been through enough to realise that I will survive and that life can be even better. So I feel absolutely OK.

Such a difference to this time a year ago when I was chronically ill and actually in danger of slipping off the disc of existence. I can’t believe how much I have changed. I am quite different.
  
She talks me through the reconstruction operation. You may know all this already but in case you don’t here’s the plan (There are some gory bits so look away if you don’t want to encounter that)

Imagine a hosepipe, and imagine taking half an arm’s length and bending it into a U shape. Now imagine slitting the pipe along the sides that touch. The edges could now be joined together to make something a bit like a long sporran. Now imagine all that again but this time it is my small gut.

They can do that and make a sporran or pouch out a part of my small gut. The bottom part of that is attached to your out-pipe. The top part is more complicated.

That part is not fully severed from the remainder of the small gut but kind of half sliced, and the pipe bent in two. Thus waste can escape out of the sliced section. This is turned into a new stoma with the route down and out temporarily unavailable.

Then it’s a matter of waiting for a few months for the down and out part to heal up while still being an “ostopath”.

Once it’s all healed up (and I’ve been to Glastonbury to feel the vibe) they do a few tests – nothing compared to the horrors of the past, and then, if all is OK, Its simply a matter of sewing up the half cut gut and . . .

 . . . .You have full 100 mb / sec broadband connection.

So not this Christmas – next Christmas I could be on the road back home.

It’s a long journey that I never wanted to take, but along the way I have learned I can take any shit and still survive.

I remain.

How en trancing.

look into my eyes

“Corpus insurance, Kelly speaking, how may I help you?

“Ah hello, I’m trying to get a quote for some public liability cover . . . I’m studying Hypnotherapy and we have to get public liability insurance . . .”

“Hypnotherapy . . . remind me what that is”

“Well. . . the client sits in a chair and I talk to them . . . relax them until they are very deeply . . . relaxed and then –um offer them therapeutic suggestions”

“They’re asleep”

“No, they’re in a trance”

“A trance.”

“Yes”

“Hang on I’m just going to run this one past my supervisor.”

“Ok”

The sound of music, up beat, a bit brassy. Time passes and I stare without focus at my computer and go into a bit of a dream. I’m brought suddenly out of my reverie by an abrupt end to the music and Kelly’s rather loud voice scything its way along the line. The words strung together with the rat-a-rat of a machine gun. Intoned like an incantation.

“OK just a few questions, but first I’m obliged to inform you that you must answer all questions truthfully and accurately to the best of your knowledge, some calls are recorded for training purposes, and in accepting this you agree to the receipt of occasional promotional material. Is that OK?”

“I just want a quote really”

“I know I have to ask you these questions to work out a quote for you”

“OK”

“Will you be using heat?”

“What? Er No”

“Working on a stage?”

“No it’s not like that”

“Using any medicinal substances?”

“No”

“Radioactive materials?”

“No – not at all”

“Strobe Lights?”

“No”

“Music at a high volume?”

“No – no music – its not like tat at all, they are sitting in a chair in my house or maybe their house, I just talk to them and . . .”

“They’re asleep right?”

“No they’re in a trance state. . . it’s . . .”

“What I’m going to do is take your number and get back to you on this one, what’s your landline number?”

Well, she said she would ring me back later that day. So far no call, but that’s all right because I found another company – Holistic Insurance.
No problem, completely understood. I’m now insured.

As part of the course I have to find practice subjects and work with them – fly solo as it were, and my first flight is tomorrow. I’ll tell you how it goes. . .

The world turns, and sun rises and falls again. . .

A friend of mine has volunteered to be a practice subject, and with characteristic punctuality he hammers my door quite forcefully and rings the door bell for good measure. I open the door and let him in.

Chit chat first it’s interesting to talk to him. Very. But perhaps I’m putting off the moment of my solo flight. So soon it's time to get on with it.

The weirdest bit is the transition from talking normally to starting the induction. It has to be a smooth cross fade. Not some ham fisted yank of the faders. I decide to go for the explicit but understated approach.

He closes his eyes and I hope his extremely busy mind relaxes. I think it does. I’m talking through a series of manoeuvres that I have remembered. Hoping I’m not missing something out.

Of course it’s a little odd at first, but soon it feels (for me at least) a good deal better. But I know I’m not giving as much space as I have done in practice sessions.

30 minutes later he emerges from the experience. He says he feels more relaxed. That’s good. He’s also been analysing and decoding what I have said - I expected no less from him. But that means that the conscious mind has been in play, and that of course blocks access to the unconscious mind. I am frustrated with myself for that. On the other hand it’s exactly what happened to me and I really wanted and needed some help. So maybe its OK.

Next time . . .  I will get better at this.

Hypnotherapy

A while ago I decided to train as a Hypnotherapist, as described in my previous post “Does this sound weird?

This was for two reasons:

1) It helped me deal with the sharp steel and porcelain of the medical establishment, offering a refuge, and a way to cultivate tools in my own mind to encounter the challenge.

2) I had a great desire to learn and practice something new and useful. I had been involved with film and video production for years, and I love that still. but I feel - as we surely all do - that there are many other areas and experiences to be had. In fact I have lived many of these already. But I was searching for something new.

So at last the time has come. Last Saturday I started on the journey. It’s a really fascinating experience both to be in a hypnotic trance and to put others into one. I think there is a great overlap here with meditation and some of the issues discussed in the blog “Mindfulness and Mortality” by Gloriamundi, which, as you can see from my blogroll (to the right of the screen), I’m following.

I had been put into a trance before, but not in a circumstance in which I analysed the trance itself. On the course we were all put into a trance using an induction that described a journey through a landscape. You may have experienced similar things in areas such as theatre training.

Anyway, afterwards we were asked how long this took, and my guess was four minutes (logically not really possible – but I think I was still slightly en-tranced) the truth was it was more than twenty minutes. I could hardly believe this.

It was also so odd to talk to someone, and watch them first of all relax, as you might expect, but then to start slumping slightly forwards and to one side, see their skin slacken, and the jaw become loose. Of course we are a self selecting group with good reasons to be compliant, but there was more going on than that.

Now I have to find about five people to do a relaxation induction with before the next session. At the moment that's all we are allowed to do. That is quite a daunting task when you think of it. I think it will be easier to work with people who are known to me, but not really close friends and family, as the fear is that they will just laugh at me because they know me too well. I think a certain distance would be helpful.

There were many other fascinating insights and experiences, and many more to come. I will keep you posted.

So that’s the way it is with me. Just wanted to keep you up to date.

Thanks as well to all the people who have donated so far to the Crohn’s & Colitis UK charity. (See the widget- top right)

I remain

How it is now

How beautiful a thread this existence weaves,
Getting out of the car on Chestnut Grove.
I had imagined it to be high noon,
Stitching time into my hopeful step.

But on the pavement conkers and brown leaves
(I Love this walk, these shops, these dreams).
I whisper a broken tune,
Unconscious but a living thread.

It’s later than I thought, but
While I Breathe and smile this is my world.
Fate’s needle will have to wait;
My final twist is not yet curled

What’s it like to live with someone with U.C.?

Love forté

So what’s it like to be the partner of someone with a chronic disease?

It occurred to me that this blog has described my own journey, but has not addressed the experience from another’s point of view. Especially someone who has walked beside me every step of the journey.

To stand in a strong wind you need balance not strength. In my life much (most) of my balance comes from Clare.

I’m sure that for many of us that live with a disease there is someone who shares that journey with us.

We’ve been away camping in Wales. Walking on the beach, cooking on the single burner, looking at the stars through crystal clear skies. Our boys now men.

It’s been a long time since I could enjoy camping out. We used to a lot, but the constant trips to the toilet block, and the stumbling through a tangle of sheeting and guy-ropes in the small hours had made it rather difficult. This is no longer an issue. So “woo hooo!” we’re camping.

One night outside our tent I recorded a conversation with Clare and we talked shit; Josh made some jokes and I faddled with my recording device. We take up the recording just as I have got it all sorted out:

Clare: . . . . .Have you ditched that? Because I think that laughter could be quite useful?

Me: Yes indeed. That’s true.

Clare: So you’ve just ditched that and you’re editing already.

Me: Alright. . . OK.

Clare: I think that’s bad actually. Because you’re editing as you go along.

Me: I am aren’t I?

Clare: Mmm, yeah there was a lot of laughter . . . The question was when did it all start. And God! – it’s been going on forever.

Me: Has it?

Clare: Well a very long time.

Me: ‘97.

Clare: Yeah a long time.

I don’t remember a beginning but it became very apparent after an amount of time – and I can’t remember how much time it was - that you were quite ill. And it kind of affected everyone else’s lives.

You were in denial and everyone else – by which I mean Me and Josh and Gabriel -were looking on and thinking “actually this is pretty crap”.

I don’t know how long it is . . . maybe - 10 years is too much . . . between 10 and 5 years, I don’t know how long . . . but it’s been difficult.

Me: Of course it’s been difficult . . . What would you say have been the most difficult aspects?

Clare: Well it’s only been really difficult when you try and step outside your normal everyday life and – I suppose have a holiday – like going camping or traveling to Italy or going to New York, or deciding to go on the London Eye. You know whenever we’ve decided to do something as a leisure activity it would just be really difficult because you couldn’t relax into the event.

But we’d just go along as normal and try and plan things, like days out and doing this and doing that, but whatever we had planned suddenly when we were on the day out it would be obvious that it couldn’t go on as normal because we either had to get there very fast or we had to stop and be thinking about where a bloody loo was. (Laughs) ha, yes so . . . days out were full of tension and spoilt. (Laughs) Everything revolved round shit and getting to the loo.

(Laughter from both)

Are you still recording now?

Me: Yes

Clare: Oh good - good. But it wasn’t something that could be complained about because of course you were ill and we just had to accommodate you know – The Illness. So privately in my head I was thinking “God this is really annoying”. You know “it’s not fair” . . . but I couldn’t really express that because you had to deal with your own emergency.

(I laugh)

So it was just like dealing with someone with a life in emergency.

Me: I used to hate it when we’d be driving along in the camper van and I was realising we had to stop, you know. It was very embarrassing.

Clare: Just get out and deal with it behind the van – the annoying thing was that you were embarrassed. That was actually annoying. Because we knew what the problem was and we just thought get on with it and have your difficult moment.

I was actually pissed off with your own - your hang ups about . . .

Me: . . .What crapping in public?

Clare: Yeah.

Me: Thanks. (Laughs) It’s a fair enough hang up to have isn’t it?

Clare: Well. . . yeah but. . .having established that that was the big problem I suppose you got a double whammy. Not only were you shitting your pants but also it was an embarrassing thing to do.

(Both laugh)

Me: Yeah?

Clare: Yes (laughing) but it was quite a burden for everyone else to deal with. Yes it’s embarrassing because someone in your family is about to shit themselves, but also they have got a huge hang up about the fact they are going to shit themselves.

(Explosive laughter)

Me: I think you might find that I was with most of the population here . . .

Clare: I think you had a huge problem with anything lavatorial. I do think it was a double hang up. I mean you only have to look at your grandmother to see that there’s always been a big issue with the lavatorial. So I was dealing with a double hang up.

Me: So; are you saying then that you subscribe to the psychosomatic view of the ulcerative colitis?

Clare: Oh No! Not at all. No. No No No. I’m not denying the condition you found yourself in. And of course it was very embarrassing and very difficult to deal with. No I wasn’t straying on to that at all.

Me: No?

Clare: No; what I’m saying is that you found yourself with this very difficult condition to do with your bowels BUT layered on top of that was your own family’s difficulty with shit and bowels and . . . I think you had layer upon layer of difficulty.

Me: A kind of a layer cake . . .

Clare: Yes. You had difficult periods and periods of remission I suppose. It wasn’t dealt with for a very long time. You avoided going to doctors

Me: Well I don’t think I did avoid them, I have to object, I don’t think I did avoid going to the doctor.

Clare: Well . . .

Me: I didn’t avoid doctors at all.

Clare: Well there was a period where you were obviously very ill and nothing was being done about it. And I know there was a time when I spoke with Josh and Gabriel and their opinion was “Why the bloody hell doesn’t he just go ahead with the surgery that’s been recommended?” Because it’s really difficult for everybody.

Difficult for you; but also difficult for the rest of us. I just think we got to a point where we were then dealing with another layer in the whole thing which was your huge fear of surgery; which was completely understandable . . . we could understand that, but you had this huge block.

Everybody: i.e. me, the surgeon, Josh and Gabriel, could see that there was something very obvious that needed to be done to help you but were resisting it. We just all thought why don’t you just go ahead with it – but it wasn’t for us to say.

In addition to the problem of illness, and the problem with your own sort of family hang ups with shit and stuff, there was another layer which was “being told what to do” and going ahead and agreeing to surgery. So it was just layer upon layer of hang ups really.

Me: I feel when I look back on it that what was normal had shifted – we couldn’t go camping, we couldn’t do this and we couldn’t do that.

Clare: Yeah. I think it had. Just lots of things we wouldn’t consider doing. I think sometimes I pushed and hoped that we could do those things and we did because I pushed.

We just didn’t do much. I mean I think the last straw was the Italian holiday where we thought were going to have a nice holiday in Italy, and in fact Josh and Gabriel and I did have a nice holiday. But you were completely lame – you couldn’t walk, you couldn’t go anywhere, you completely missed out. I‘m sure you did your own stuff but . . . but really it was like three of us doing one holiday and you doing your own thing.

Me: Hmm. True yeah. I had a very different experience of . . . (laughs)

Clare: I remember deciding to go on the London Eye and we couldn’t bloody walk there fast enough because we had to get there by a particular time. And the whole walk from St Pancras to the London Eye was affected by whether you could get to a loo.

The whole thing was suddenly this sort of really stressful route march. Then I ended up sort of feeling guilty because I’d planned it, and organised it, and we needed to be there by a certain time. I just thought I wish I hadn’t bothered and I didn’t plan anything like that again.

Me: Hmm. Sorry.

Clare: I suppose I can say it now because we’re on the other side; but beforehand I didn’t like to say anything like this because it just seemed really selfish. To complain that you couldn’t plan a particular day out or a particular holiday because you were in a far worse condition, and that was the thing that really sort of ruled what went on.

So I didn’t feel in a position to say “This is bloody annoying” Because my discomfort or irritation at something not happening was fairly small compared to the reality that you were physically incapable of doing the things that we wanted to do together.

Me: I can’t believe the place that we got to, to be honest.

Clare: I felt I put myself completely in the back seat. I knew that you were really concerned about yourself but in way I could not worry about that because you were there dealing with the pretty frightening prospect of having surgery and having really drastic emergency experiences.

I thought there’s no point in me worrying about that because I’m sure you’re doing lots of worrying about that yourself. So the role I felt I was playing was I was actually – I think I was really concerned about what Josh and Gabriel were thinking. Because it could have been – it was pretty momentous for them, and you were very ill and of course you know – you could have died .

So I felt a bit straddled between worrying about them and there was that sort of worry about you.

For myself? . . . don’t know I just . . . I would have dealt with what ever happened. Because whatever happened . . . I mean you know if you died you would have died, you know. . . and I wouldn’t worry about you then because you’d be dead and you wouldn’t be worrying. I mean I knew in theory you’d be pissed off about that but you’d be dead so it wouldn’t matter.

Me: (Laughs) You can’t fault that logic.

Clare: I blotted myself out and if you died . . . . pfff . . I sort of you know – in a rather brutal way I didn’t care because I’d then – I suppose I would then come back into the equation and I would have worried about me.

I think in that sort of situation you have to have to sort of cut to the chase. I think I’ve done a lot of that for the last few years. Just not worried about what I think you know. The fall out might be about to hit us. I don’t know. Cos I think there’s a lot of shit going on you know. I’ve spent quite a lot of time over the last few years not thinking about myself. Putting myself away.

Me: I think nobody can possibly doubt that.

Clare: So it might be . . . so there might be. . . I sometimes wonder if there might be . . . you know actually I’m fed up of feeling like this.

Me: Well that would be quite understandable. How would you advise somebody else if they found themselves in your situation? Is there anything you can say to somebody in that situation?

Clare: I don’t think I would say anything, I couldn’t at this point. In an interview like this . . .if somebody was in the same situation and they wanted to talk to me then I could have a conversation. But I would have to be responding to what somebody else was saying. I wouldn’t give advice or say anything. I wouldn’t say anything into the blank out-there-ness.”

Posted with love.

Does this sound weird?

A different view.
(Pinhole photo of New York - 2007)

I have a feeling this may sound a little cranky, I hope not, but I am aware that it might.

Readers of this blog may have noticed that I have mentioned Hypnotherapy a few times, and I have said how I found it very useful in dealing with anxiety, stress and fear.

I thought I might try and make a difference in other people's lives rather than just describing my own journey.

OK - so here's the odd bit:

I have enrolled on a course to become a qualified Hypnotherapist. The course will start in September.

Can you see me in that role? Time will tell.

I've also done another thing which is to set up a "Just Giving" page which you can access by clicking at the link above and to the right. Any money given will go straight into the coffers of Chron's And Colitis UK. A charity to help people with Chron's and Colitis.

It would be great if you could have a look.

Right - I won't mention it again

I remain